I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
