He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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