i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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