the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
