I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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