If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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