Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
