Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
