you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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