i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.