why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My feet surprised me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
