After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
