She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
