You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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