she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
