Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is wine microwaveable?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize