Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
