I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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