then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
