He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am in a vortex of obligation.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
they need to just BURY HIM!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
