I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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