Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
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Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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