Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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