Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
