life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
