OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
