from now on my penis is your penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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