ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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