your thong is hanging out like whoa
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
