Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I need a burrito and a hug.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
