Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
