So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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