did you get engaged???
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
