i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
