When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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