I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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