every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize