I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
