Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
