Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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