have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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