What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
