woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
