the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.