It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
