I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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