3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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