I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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