I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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