she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
