I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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