I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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