as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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