I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He felt like a one man threesome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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