Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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