Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
