my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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