He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
