yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
