I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
