I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize