so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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